Today is National NICU Awareness day, the whole month has been celebrated to give the silent heroes of the NICU the acknowledgment they deserved.
I am a NICU mom and my husband is a NICU dad and my 2 years old twin are NICU graduates. Born July 2nd, 2017, July 21st was Lucca’s graduation and July 28th was Noah’s graduation. Even though their stayed was thankfully uneventful and they stayed there to gain weight and get stronger before coming home, it was nonetheless the hardest weeks of our lives.
When I heard I was getting discharged and my kids were going to stay in the hospital I felt as if I was already failing as a mom. The guilt that came over me for letting my doctor convinced me to give birth a month before my due date killed me for quite a while until I understood medically it was the best decision. I thought it was my fault that I placed them there. Their breathing was really shallow and the thought that I might have been the cause of that consumed my first days as a mom.
Leaving the hospital without them in my arms just broke my heart into little pieces. My first night at home without them just felt like those nights when I received the news that my past pregnancies were no longer viable. Eight months and 5 days and I had nothing to show for it. For the next 3 weeks, I closed my eyes in hope that night will become morning very quick to go and see them.
As the days went by I learned a few new medical terms, Bradys (short for bradycardia, when hearts starts to beat so slow) which combined with apnea will trigger the monitor alarms. This meant the babies hearts and breathing has stopped for a few seconds and the babies need it to resolve it on their own or the nurses need it to stimulate them, luckily the nurses never did. For my babies those bradys will resolve on their own but they were the culprit that restarted the clock for a longer stay. The hospital rule was that if a brady happened, another 5 days were added to their stay, if in those five days no bradys were identified then the babies were ready to be discharged. That’s why the answer we often received from the doctors to the question when can they come home? was “whenever they are ready”.
The NICU is a place where not just preemies go until they become “full term”, NICU is also a place where term babies go to get their chance at life. If it wasn’t for the wonderful job the group of nurses, doctors, and other professionals do every day who knows where all our babies will be.
Looking now at my sons playing, jumping up and down, screaming their little hearts out I can’t believe they were once upon a time in an incubator, with many cables attached to monitors that measured their heart rates, their oxygen, their breathing, etc. Those same monitors who I learned to hate and love them at the same time and I missed after my twins were back home.
So this is for you NICU mama whether you spend your fourth trimester on one or you are spending it right now at one, we are strong, we are resilient.