Empty arms

Coming out of the hospital yesterday was so anticlimactic. The elation you feel when you give birth, the excitement and nervousness in the air all disappear when I was told my babies are staying behind for who knows how long.

I went upstairs walking on my own, no wheelchair need it. A lot of the nurses still looked at me in awe because I walked back and forth, up and down with my back straight and not even touching my surgery spot, as I seem many women doing it in the days following my c-section. Even my family looks at me kind of weird that I’m not leaning against the wall to walk. It makes me laugh and forget a little about the fact I’m getting discharged and my babies are not.

I don’t know where I’m getting this strength, this resistance to pain but I think it has a lot to do with the anger I feel that I’m walking out of here with empty arms. I know it’s for their health but if I knew that my babies were staying for an indefinite period of time I don’t think I woul have agreed to give birth when I did.

As I was saying goodbye to my babies, which they were in separate rooms, my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, just a few days ago they were attached to me now I’m standing next to them waving goodbye. I have the choice of staying if I want to but that wouldn’t change anything at all, would it?!

I was offered the wheelchair to come out of the hospital but I refuse. The nurse insisted 2 more times and I declined it two more times. I wanted to show them I was fine, I didn’t need the extra help. I need to recover as quickly as possible. The thought behind it was that if I recover quicker the babies will do it too. As if we were synchronize to do so.

All I kept hearing were the silver linings of they staying behind. Which I still can comprehend. I don’t think I will never understand.

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On our way to the NICU now as I write this. I just called the nurse this morning and she sounds very warm and calm. She told my babies are doing well, striving and they are gaining weight as well as they have lowered the temperature in their incubators. They are still in different rooms but hopefully later they will be move to the same room.

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Going Home!

Today is my discharge day but is only mine!! After fighting pretty much with everyone at the NICU and my doctor, i couldn’t change their mind and the difficult decision to leave my kids behind at the care of the hospital is my only choice right now. According to them, they still need to gain weight, learn to control their own temperature and be able to breathe better.

As I write this my heart breaks into a million pieces and can help but to experience so PTSD. The worst part of this news is that they don’t know when they will get discharge. “It is all up to the babies, to let us discharge them” according to the NICU pediatrician.

How babies can let you know is beyond my comprehension right now. My brain is foggy, my thoughts all scrambled, and my soul lost in the hallways of this hospital. Don’t they know I waited for these babies to arrive into this world for so long, that the idea of going home by myself without them is not fitting in my happy ending I thought I would have after giving birth to them?!!

Good night my little ones, mommy is going home, she will be back tomorrow to care for you and give you lots of love!!

Mammy!

First of all Happy Birthday ‘Merica! The view from my hospital room is unbelievable, the view of the East River and how the fireworks illuminate the night is amazing! I’ll take tonight as my sons’ welcome to the world.

I just came back from the NICU, babies are doing good, Lucca has been taken off the CPAP and Noah is using what I think is a smaller version of it and his body temperature is being regulated by the incubator. Their bilirubin has been going up and down but that’s also getting better as the hours passed.

I’m feeling better, still having difficulty getting out of the bed but walking to the bathroom by myself, thank jesus! Waking up my husband in the middle of the night or pressing the button to call the nurse whenever I have to go was getting a little bit too much and embarrassing.

I take my hat off to nurses everywhere especially the ones that work for labor and delivery, the things you have to do, hear and see. I have always been very independent, hate being sick because I feel impotent and it gets me mad that I have to depend on others. This was no different and if it wasn’t because of my nurses who have gone above and beyond for us. I have to say letting them changed me and cleaned me it has put me in a vulnerable position difficult to manage because of who I am (I live in a bubble) and letting them burst my bubble has humbled me down. Maybe I need it to be in this position because I have heard that recovering from a Csection is a long road and it seems that I’m going to need a lot of help.

They are also the first one to call me by my new name mammy! I was wheeled out from recovery to my room and when we arrived to my room, I heard it for the first time “this is your room Mammy!” Maybe in the OR or the recovery room I was called like that too but we were so in the moment with the babies and their trouble breathing, etc that it didn’t even registered. But at that moment when my body was getting out of the bewitching spell of the anesthesia and I didn’t have my babies with me it hit me like a thousand thunder bolts!! I’m a mom!! And the waterworks started, it’s really difficult for me to cry and there I was ugly crying. It was as all the past 8 months’ worries, frustrations, scary moments that I have and put them on hold so I don’t stress my babies, were coming out. I am a mom and after so many trials and tribulations, I was done with phase 1, having them. After releasing all those tears I felt that my soul was cleanse and a calm and peaceful feeling took over my body, maybe it was the high of the pain medications, I was given after the surgery, I don’t know, but I’ll take it.

Now to try to sleep. The fireworks are over and I need to rest to be well for my babies tomorrow, hopefully they tell me they are coming home with me when I get discharge on Thursday.

Out of Body Experience!

Soooo, here I am a day after the birth of my sons, who are currently in the NICU. I’m here laying in bed, recovering and waiting for a wheel chair so I can go see them. I haven’t seen them since they were in my arms and were whisked away to be taken to the NICU.

The C-section was an out of body experience I will always remember. As they prepare you to go into the operating room, they explain to you how everything is going to happen. First you will get a shot in the back to numb the area where the anesthesia is going to be injected. After the area is numb they insert a large needle in your spine that would shot you with the medication. At first you will feel a warm sensation starting in your feet and slowly taking over your legs and body, then you will feel that everything gets heavy and that’s when they laid you down in the operating table.

The anesthesiologist explained that you will feel your chest not able to move up and down when you breath and that’s normal. She explained that all the machines in the room will be reading vitals including oxygen, that’s how they will know you are breathing fine. I wanted to leave the prep room when she mentioned the no breathing part, you don’t say that to a person that a few minutes ago disclosed to you that suffers from anxiety and panic attacks!!

Anywho, once inside the OR she told me she forgot to mention that if I wanted an oxygen tube that they were able to provide it. Geez lady!!! Why didn’t you mentioned that when you were prepping me. I spent 45 mins trying not to lose it because I need it to be calm and concentrating so hard on my chest that I was losing sight of what was important the birth of my babies.

Once in the OR everything I was told came true and as soon I didn’t see my chest rising at every breath I asked for the oxygen tubes. My doctors were busy opening my womb to get my babies out, while my husband was sitting next to me staring at the blue sheet of paper they laid in front of us to restrict the view of the action, waiting for the babies to give a sign of life. It took probably 10 mins to get Baby A out crying his lungs out. I cried too because he was alive, he was real, I couldn’t see him because of the sheet and because he need it to been taken away to make sure he is ok. At that point something in me clicked, something that I wish I can described with words but all I can say is that at that moment nothing wasn’t going to be the same. All the worries I had for how heavy my body felt and “what if they cut something wrong and make me bleed” went out of the window, his cry was an spell that took me to a point of complete relaxation and excitement at the same time. But that was shorlived when two minutes later Baby B was out and we didn’t hear him cry, the anesthesiologist who was also right next to me, saw my worry face and kept me at ease telling me what was going on at the other side of the sheet. “He is fine, he just need to be stimulated a little bit”. Those 10 seconds when I couldn’t hear his cry felt like an eternity but finally he scream a very soft cry than what his brother did but it was a cry, I was able to let my guard down. As my husband was holding Baby A, I was feeling my shoulders numb, something that I wasn’t told it was going to happen. I let the anesthesiologist know and she immediately work on it to control the medication. Since both of my arms were numb I wasn’t able to hold my baby and they were still working on my other baby, stimulating him because his breathing was not good. It wasn’t until they closed me up and took me to the recovery room that I was able to have the dedire skin to skin contact. That’s when I notice their breathing was shallow and when they told us Baby B temperature was too low. I was still under the anesthesia and as a funny side effect my nose started itching really bad. As the temperature didn’t raise for Baby B, they took them away from me to take them to the NICU. It was probably around 1 pm the last time I saw them, it’s 11 am at this point and I’m anxious to go and see them. Even though I have to be honest, I’m afraid to find out the state they are in like how many cables and machines they might be connected. As my husband took over to be on top of the nurses and doctors that our sons were taken care of, he kept coming back to my room with updates of our sons and what they were doing to them with pictures and videos.

I just wish they would hurry up with that wheelchair, I have been told to start pumping my breasts so I can start producing milk for them but I’m just too tired and too worried that I keep forgetting to do so. But now while I wait to be reunited with my sons, I will pump, who knows maybe I’m able to breastfeed them too in this visit.

Disclaimer

Between my new role as a new mom, my wedding business and my other roles. I have stopped posting as things happened but I kept writing, especially whenever I need it to find a release to all the feelings that are brought with motherhood.

When I started writing this blog I shared my IVF process and the heartache of my miscarriages. The title and the idea of sharing came up after a conversation I had with my therapist after my last miscarriage. I felt I was so successful at everything else but so unsuccessful in becoming a mom.

Now that I am a mom and reading all that I have wrote since becoming one 8 months ago I still feel that I’m successful in certain things and still unsuccessful in others. The posts that are going to follow after this one can cause certain WTF! reactions to some and others might even understand my struggle. To those who know me personally, I am ok, I am doing better is under control at this point.

I have been kind of vague about my dysthymia (chronic depression) caused by my miscarriages. It’s actually the first time I call it by its name because I was afraid it would be too real if I started calling like it is because I didn’t wanted people to judge me. My family knew I was seeing a therapist but I guess today they will learn what the diagnosis was 8 years ago. Talk therapy has helped tremendously and hopefully after a long hiatus I will be retaking it in a few weeks. PTSD and anxiety was a constant problem throughout my pregnancy but thanks to therapy I was able to go through my pregnancy with no relapse.

Since dysthymia is a mild and a persistent depressive disorder, the chances of developing post-partum depression (PPD) are really high. I worked with my therapist throughout my pregnancy to learn to respond to the triggers of PPD and how to cope. You will notice in some posts that I’m struggling with PPD and I would like to share those moments so you know you are not alone if you identify yourselves with one story.

28 weeks, after an anxiety episode while I was home.

B-day!!! July 2nd, 2017

World!! Let me introduce to you the new members of our family: Lucca Alexander Ferreira Paez born at 11:50 am at 5 lbs, 3 oz and Noah Manuel Ferreira Paez born at 11:52 am at 5 lbs.

As it was expected due to their gestational age they were taking to the NICU to help them breath and regulate their body temperature. I will write more about my day but for now I just want to bask in this miracle of life. I’m in awe knowing I have become a mom of identical twins, that this is really happening and that this is no dream. No dream at all!!!

The Night before B-Day

It’s 3 am and I’m not able to sleep. I have been staring at the ceiling for the past 2 hours just thinking that after tomorrow we no longer be two will be four. I’m nervous but excited of the changes that are coming our way.

It had been a long road to walk wondering if this day would ever come. If motherhood was ever meant to be for me. I wish I was able to enjoy my pregnancy more and take more pictures of every little milestones we reach but fear sometimes took over and I was afraid of no living the moment.

The twins have been kicking and moving like crazy in the little space they have as if they know they are coming out. I just prayed that everything will be good and let Him take the wheel of our fate. This constant struggle of trying to control the outcome of everything in this pregnancy has make me miserable and I think that is time to leave it in His hands.

I will now go to bed, I need to rest as I have to be in the hospital by 9 am. My babies are going to be brought to the world and I can’t wait to meet them!

35 Weeks

We have been busy with all the last minute preparations for the twins arrival. In 5 days I will have my babies in my arms. So the time for the C-section has been set for 9 am on Sunday, July 2nd. I have to go Saturday for pre-op testing. Panic mode on!!!! I have read, I have asked the questions to my doctor and friends, I have watched (curiosity at best, couldn’t help it) and still don’t know what to expect, oh well!

We finished the nursery finally! We picked the theme owls, nothing special about it, it just look cute to us. I have packed my bag and the babies bag. The sour note the babies might need to stay in the NICU for a few days so they might not use the clothes I packed for them during our stay. The thing is that with a C-section the hospital makes you stay for 4 days. So this means that I will be taking my babies home since is only a few days they will be in the NICU, according to the doctor.

No complications with the babies so far, the monitoring I have to do twice a week and the weekly checkup with my doctors keeps them on check. I did get a nasty upper respiratory infection that I need it antibiotics. I was so careful of not getting sick throughout the whole pregnancy but it caught up to me, I just need to be thankful that it wasn’t asthma. Both babies are at almost 5 lbs but Baby B is still breached. I have reached my tolerance for standing up and walking. I must say besides of constantly expecting the worst and my morning sickness getting the best of me I have been able to manage my wedding business and able to perform wedding ceremonies in the park even in the hottest condition. I’m a very sedentary person before pregnancy and didn’t exercise throughout that I’m so surprised I’m in better in shape than before that I have scheduled one more wedding for Saturday. I have to give props to my twins for letting mommy hustle until the end. I do feel the back pain and my siatic nerve throbbing afterwards but nothing that I can’t handle.

Almost at the end of my pregnancy and I’m happy to report that I have surpassed every expectation throughout. I survive TTS (twin-to-twin transfusion) while checking off gestational diabetes, I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) this increases the chances of developing diabetes during pregnancy, I didn’t have it. Carrying twins you can become at risk of Preeclampsia and early labor. I’m going to miss my belly and now almost at the end I wish I wasn’t so worry about it and wish I would have enjoyed it to the fullest. We were too cautious that pretty much suck the fun out of being pregnant.

32 weeks

Three more weeks to go and is eminent that a C-section is at most. Now one thing I was told by the nurses at my doctor’s office, “do not Google it, do not look for videos in YouTube” but here I am currently searching about c-sections but avoiding the videos. I have read horror stories and not so horrible but still very worrisome.

If it wasn’t for my friend who had an emergency c-section telling me what to expect it puts me at ease. I have been biting my nails and crying every time I remember. I’m trying to calm down because let’s face it is the only way the babies can be born and I keep repeating this to myself. Talk about ways of not able to enjoy my pregnancy still, geez!

But enough about scary things. Yesterday was my maternity shoot and last week my baby shower. The baby shower was all I have dream and more, all my family and friends under one roof celebrating with us the soon arrival of my twins. I decided to do a Peter Rabbit theme, I like the story ever since I came across 10 years ago while daydreaming about what my first angel could have been. Thanks to the talent and creativity of my event planner and her team, Peter Rabbit world came to life and more beautiful that I expected to be. I enjoy myself and enjoy being the center of attention for a day and more than ever I notice how much love my kids will be surrounded with. A thousand thanks to our families for making it look so easy to put together and to all my guests for sharing this special moment with us.

I cry as soon as I arrive, the sight of everyone in a beautiful setting just make me bawl. A few months ago, I thought this was never going to happen for us and now that I was there with our names and our babies’ names on a sign welcoming our guests made me felt so nostalgic I guess it finally sink in, my body finally went along with the program and is helping me to make my dream come true. I’m panicking again! These are going to be the longest 3 weeks of my life!

30 Weeks AKA Baby Shower Week

The twins have been given their “eviction notice”. B-day will be July 2nd, 2017. While planning the baby shower we didn’t know exactly when the birth will be. We were given choices but these choices were contingent with the position of the babies and how they will finish developing while in the womb.

Our doctor gave us two choices induction or C-section. The main point was to not pass the 36 weeks because twins who share a placenta have a higher risk of birth complications. By last week the options were still on the table since Baby B was still with room to move to a head-down position. Unfortunately this was no longer a possibility, they are gaining weight so quickly that they are running out of room and moving doesn’t come to easy. Up until three days ago, Baby B was breached and it doesn’t looked like it’s going to change. The doctor then told us that inducing labor is now a very remote possibility as anything can happen with the baby’s position at the last minute but he really doubts it that he will move.

So in five 5 weeks my babies will come to the world via C-section. Not my first choice but according to our doctor the most safest way to bring my kids into this world. He also mentioned that they are being born a month early that they might need a few days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit aka NICU but didn’t elaborate until we get closer to B-Day. I’m so freaking scare that I’m trying not to have panic attacks and look at this whole thing in a different way. I mean is major surgery! Sure now a days is safe but still it has its risks. In the mean time I will finish getting ready to celebrate the arrival of my twins with our friends and family. Can’t wait!!!